The Jay Spot

Help!

Let's make this quick.  I have a lot to get off of my chest and very little time.

In addition to finals rapidly approaching - a time of redemption for me - an old problem is nagging again.  Problems (plural), rather: alcoholism and weight gain.

I've been asking myself why I can't shed the spare tire rapidly growing around my waist, despite my return to a daily routine of at least 30 minutes per day of cardio.  When I was in Kenya, I got down to an anemic and unattractive 155 lbs.  That was admittedly too skinny.  But last weekend, while cat sitting for a friend with an electronic scale, I stepped on (fully clothed) to see a rather unexpected number: 206.

Wtf?

Tonight I had tacos for dinner and skipped the gym.  At the moment (having finished my reading for Environmental Law in the morning), I am enjoying my third beer and the end of the Dancing with the Stars finale.  I will soon post pics of my giant belly hanging over some pants that fit only two years ago.  That'll keep them coming back for more Spot...

R.I.P Poncho

Poncho, my father's goat: Diligent guardian, welcoming host, and colorful decorative piece has died of natural causes.  1999-2008.  May he rest in peace.

 

A bump in the road...

Yesterday, I hit a major bump in the road in one of the most important relationships in my life.  Why don't I just start from the beginning...

As you all know, I am your most ardent Brasilophile.  One of the things I have missed most from my summer in the tropics is the food.  So I have set myself about the task of learning how to create many of the culinary delights I so enjoyed during my time in Brazil.  My most recent attempt was cooking "Carne Seca com Abobora" - which is basically salt-cured, shredded beef accompanied by pumpkin puree.  This is a relatively simple task that takes quite a bit of time.  You take a big hunk of beef, brine it for 24 hours, then dump piles of sea salt on and leave it on very, very low heat in the oven overnight.  Then, once it's all dried out, you partially de-salt it in cold water for a couple of hours, break it apart into shreads, and sautee it with onions and olive oil.  Since we don't have the right pumpkins here, I roasted a calabasa squash and a few garlic cloves, then pureed them in the food processor with a dab of coconut milk (optional).

And it turned out de. lish. us.

Anyway, as i was breaking apart the big hunk of beef into shreds, my darling pooch went to the door and whined until I took her out (yes, we've made great strides in house training).  I clasped her retractable leash on her collar and we sprung down the steps into the parking lot, en route to the pet-potty area.

As we did so, we came upon a small band of small latino men who were at my complex for the afternoon to trim the shrubs and cut the grass.  One of these gents had parked himself on the curb where he was enjoying his lunch.

And Miss Fern was not happy.

For the first time ever, rather than springing toward the human, she paused, stared with consternation, and growelled... the hair standing up on her back.  My dog has shown affection for men, women, black people, white people... but when she sees a Latino man, she bares her teeth.  This stands in stark contrast to her daddy, who is compelled to bare something else altogether when presented with a strapping young Latino.  My first thought was: will she do this when Wendel comes to visit???  Do I really have a racist dog?  I mean, here I am, spending my day attempting to prepare a classic dish from the largest country in Latin America... and my dog has sent a clear message that she rejects the Latin American man.  What to do?

Alas, only time will tell.  But for now... I love my racist dog.

Vulva Puppet

Yesterday I google searched my name and discovered this description of my blog:

The Jay Spot http://thejayspot.typepad.com/
Author: Jay
Grade: B
Last Year's Grade: N/A

Jay waa coworker of mine back in Washington, D.C. that is now studying law in Atlanta. His wit, honesty and love of all things celebrity make his blog a refreshing, worthwhile read, though his updates are streaky (either 3 in one day or none for 3 weeks).

Method: Typepad
The Good: Hilarious, Honest
The Bad: Two sentence non-blogs sneak their way in now and again
Average Time Between Blogs*: 3.0 days

While I was surprised by the phrase "love for all things celebrity," I have decided to embrace the reputation and provide you a post of celebrities ... and vaginas!

First up, if any of you read Perez Hilton, you saw that Tyra Banks devoted an entire episode of her talk show to .... THE VAGINA.  First is a link to the episode and then a screen grab of the vulva puppet they brought out for demonstrations.  Doesn't it look like the plant from Little Shop of Horrors?  Imagine yourself as a young girl...  and in that fateful moment when mom gives you the hand mirror, your little fancy looks back and says, "FEED ME SEYMOUR!"

http://youtube.com/watch?v=c39sirXOad4

Second, you all probably remember my excitement when Oprah hosted Reba McIntyre, Justin Timberlake, and Kelly Clarkson all in one episode.  Justin wrote a special song just for Reba's duets album.  Here is a link to the clip on youtube.  As you can see below, My little Fern likes it just as much as I do.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=J0XH-iDpgAk

Drunk! Again!

Please appreciate how my drunkenness last night caught up with me in the middle of writing the entry below.  It completely stops making sense!

Just after writing that, I passed out in an extremely uncomfortable position on the couch and woke up at 6:30am this morning with an awful pain in my neck, and my dog sleeping on top of my head. 

Hey - if I keep this up, we could all witness a real renaissance of The Jay Spot.  This shit could get good if I continue attempting late night drunen blog entries that make little sense but include heartfelt outpourings of emotion.

Out, Damn Spot

For the past few days I have been thinking of how I would announce the end of The Jay Spot.

I don't update regularly and when I do, I spend about 15 minutes on the entry.  Contrast this with the beginning of the spot, when I spent about an hour per entry and posted several times per week.  On top of these observations is the fact that the only thing I have to talk about is my dog - and how much do you all really want to hear about my dog.  I mean, I can't stand people who talk about their children, so why should i expect all of you to enjoy my ramblings about my baby?

But at about 2:15pm today I realized that there are things in life I can be excited about besides my dog (or my workout regiment).  Today at 2pm I began a very exciting new chapter in my life: I am now watching the soap opera As the World Turns.  And it is GOOD.  Just today, Rosanna discovered on her wedding day that her would be husband is possibly the father of another woman's baby.  Also, there is a cute young gay couple, only of the gents was just shot and crippled from the waist down.  I love that the major issue in their relationship has nothind to do with their sexuality, but with some totally external force!

Anyway, I have also been thinking about how I will....

Oh crap, I can't bother to finish that sentence.  I drank a bottle of wine at my friend Rebecca's house and now I am going to pledge to you all that I will post every other day for the rest of the semester.

WOO HOO

Pig in the Parlor

Several items of interest, today:

1. As my sister, JIll, navigates the turbulent waters of 5 consecutive weekends of bridal/couples showers, she must also write thank you notes for each and every gift.  Midway through this process, she realized that she was thanking people for the "lovely bowels" rather than the "lovely bowls."

2. Also, in the Thank You note process, Jill made the mistake of showing my mom her standard text.  I really appreciate the fact that Kay (our mother) inserted the phrase "My mother is so lucky to have friends like you!" into the template.

3. At my high school reunion, a dear friend brought me an article regarding the surge in the wild hog population in Texas.  Texas bears 50% of the nation's population, which is set to double over the next few years.  They have become quite a nuissance.  In response, I am teaching Fern to hunt for wild hog by feeding her dried pig ears.  She loves them:

:

Thought for the Day

How wonderfully efficient and hygenical it is that dogs can poop without needing to wipe!  Wouldn't it be fabulous if we humans could do the same.  I'm a little jealous.

This probably all I am going to talk about for the next 6 months...

I can't really describe how things have changed since little Fern has come into my life.  Not only do I speed home from class every day to be with her, but I have also had visits (plural) from people who have never been to my apartment, solely because they want to play with my dog.  What rocks is that they bring beer!!!

Oh shit... since I typed the above, she has tried to pee in the house twice.... but here is a video i just took of her:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=D3phr1fceAA

Baby's First Day

While the newest member of my family is perfect in every way, the house training process has been an absolue failure thus ...  We have been out to "potty" four times today for extending periods, and yet, each time after we enter, she has a surprise for me: peeing on my rug, crapping in the living room, peeing in the kitchen.

But you've gotta admit - she a looker!

Benevolent White Man

The other day I was leaving Target with my new bath towels, hand towels, and stainless steel waste bin, when a 30something man in a suit approached me for gas money.  I admit, I have been duped by this type of scheme before.  When I was 18 I gave a man at a Taco Bell in Alabama $75 to buy a part for his car at the neighboring Wal-Mart.  He swore he'd be right back.  I don't have to tell you how that story ends.

So I was rather torn when my unfortunate gas-less friend asked for a couple dollars.  On one hand, he was wearing a suit, looked like a non-drug user, and carried a Target bag filled with a large plastic gas container.  On the other, who doesn't carry a credit card these days? 

But at that moment it occured to me that I had a one dollar bill in my pocket.  I could easily reach into my pocket, pull out the one, and say "Well this is all I got, buddy."  So that is what I did.  I reached in, grabbed the contents of my pocket, withdrew my hand, held it out to the stranger in need, and said, "This is all I got, budddy."  But when I looked down at my own hand, I had not one dollar, but four.

Damn.

So there was no turning back at this point and I just decided to give him the four dollars.  The rest of the conversation went like this:

Jay (reaching into my pocket): This is all I got, buddy.

Stranger (upon seeing the four one dollar bills): Aw, man, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Jay: No problem.

Stranger: You're alright, man.  You're alright.

Jay (walking away): Thanks

Stranger: You've got love in your heart.  You know that?

Jay (really trying to walk away): Thanks.  It's no big deal.

Stranger: LOVE in your heart!

Jay: Yup.

Stranger: You've got LOVE in your HEART!  You know, a lot of people these days don't have that.  A lot of people don't have love in their hearts.  You know that?  YOU KNOW THAT?!?!

Jay:  Yeah.  I do.  Thanks... have a nice day.

Stranger:  You married?

Jay (ingruiged): No....

Stranger:  You are going to make a man or woman very happy someday.

Jay (trying to leave again... suddenly very uncomfortable): Okay.

Stranger:  DID YOU HEAR ME?  You are going to make a MAN OR WOMAN VERY HAPPY SOMEDAY!!!

Jay (now jogging to my car):  Thank you.

So remember my post about how strangers suddenly feel comfortable approaching for conversation?  Well it just occured to me that about 95% of the strangers who have ever approached me for no good reason except pleasant conversation have been African-Americans.  And so it dawns on me that maybe there is something about my general demeanor that cast itself out to the black population and reads: "Benevolent White Man"  Or perhaps based on that last interraction, it should be "Benevolent Homosexual White Man" since my gayness is apparently revealed merely by a six sentence conversation in the Target parking lot.  I don't know... You tell me...

Note to self...

This weekend, while practicing my tennis swing in my apartment, I swung a righteous forehand directly into the screen of my laptop. 

Let me be clear: I did not fire a ball into my computer.  Rather, I slammed my racket into my computer ... as if I was Andy Roddick in the 5th set of a Wimbledon final. 

Oops.

The old girl has to be sent in for repairs, but should be back by Monday. :-)

Damn

I just wrote a rockin entry for you all and my damn internet just wiped it out...

I'll try again in the morning.  Having been drinking alone again, and my energy waning, prevents me from typing it all again from memory.  Ugh.  Will try again in the morning...

I'm Back

Hello everybody.  Sorry for the lack of posts.  Between watching reruns of America's Next Top Model, commenting on celebrity blogs, and subjecting my body to skin and hair treatments in preparation for my high school reunion, I've been slammed.  There was also a kerfuffle with Typepad about the billing of my account, temporarily suspended my access, so you could say my absence was merited.

Also, I had set a goal for myself of not drinking alone for the month of September.... but that has not been going well.  Since I just finished my third brewskie (alone) and my second viewing of tonight's Top Chef, it is time to turn in.

Oh yeah - for those of you who didn't see Reba, Justin, and Kelly on Oprah today, you really missed out.  While I am not wild about Reba's rendition of Kelly's "Because of You", the duet the Justin wrote for Reba, "The Only Promise that Remains," is smashing.

RED ALERT RED ALERT RED ALERT

Get to your televisions!

Reba, Justin Timberlake, and Kelly Clarkson are on Oprah today as Reba promotes her duets album.  Yes, JT does a duet with Reba.

Will write more later...

Leaving Chicago

Despite the fact that I am the only one who neither had sexual contact with a stranger nor left my own bodily fluids on the hotel carpet, it is likely the picture below which will live on forever, besmirching my good reputation.

Having a Gay Old Time In Chicago

For the last 28 hours I have been in Chicago for a gay law conference.  I am here with three other second year law students from my school.  In that time, one person vomited outside of a pizzeria and then got us kicked out of a cab because the cabbie noticed the puke "dripping out of his nose."  After we carried this fellow into the hotel room, he fell asleep in the bathroom with his head IN the toilet.  Around 6am he woke, and removed the roll of toilet paper from the wall and used it as a pillow on the bathroom floor, where he remained until 10am.

Another of my comprades puked twice in the hall of our upscale hotel.  Later that night, he awoke disoriented, wandered into the hallway, and peed on the carpet.

Right now he is snoring in the bed beside me and the others are asleep.  It's late and we have panel discussions to attend tomorrow, so I am signing off.  I will continue to report as the misadventures continue.

Beans

I have never been a bean fan.  I have one friend who ordered so many bean and cheese burritos from taco bell that the employee at the drive through actually started giving them to her, and another friend who once had a pot luck in which all dinner guests were asked to bring a bean dish.  I was invited to that party but I think I only had chips and (bean) dip.

But this summer in Brazil, I could no longer avoid the bean.  Black beans (and rice) are part of every lunch in Rio, and since I wanted to be a local, I acquiesed and slowly began incorporating the bean into my daily culinary routine.  Now I am back in the States and my forced bean consumption from the summer has manifested itself anew as an occassional bean craving.

How perfect, then, that the nearest dining establishment to my home is ... (drumroll, please) ... CHIPOTLE!!!  Just one block away lies what has always been my burrito of choice: chicken or beef, with NO beans, but plenty of grilled peppers and onions. 

Several days ago, I decided to try something new: a burrito of pork carnitas with NO grilled peppers and onions, but WITH black beans.  The result?  MAGICAL!  So magical that I have gone to Chipotle for the past four days in a row and ordered the exact same thing.

But not today.

I had such a fitful night of sleep.  A little queesy and woken again and again, by the sounds ... and sensations... of my own loud and unbelievably lengthy farts.  I never imagined that crazy gas could so easily prevent one from getting a good night's sleep. 

Bean, thou hast betrayed me.

A Friend to the Lonely

Going through a typical day, working, going to the gym, picking up the dry cleaning, getting a haircut, etc., you can put people into one of two categories: the type of person who enjoys meeting and chatting with all the strangers they encounter, and those who really do not.  I fall into the latter category.  I have never made any attempt to meet even one person at the gym, I don't strike up conversations in line at the grocery store, in fact, when I go to parties I usually just stand in the corner drinking and smoking and talking to the people I came with.

I have occassionally noticed, in the mirror at the gym, that I wear an i'm-in-bad-mood-get-away-from-me countenance.  Additoinally, on two separate occassions, in different cities and years apart, I was at a gay bar and a statuesque African-American drag queen bedazzled in rhinestones stopped me to say, "It's gonna be okay, baby."

Something has changed in the past 24 hours.  Last night at the bar, I was chatting up strangers right and left (in Portuguese, no less) and twice today a stranger attempted to strike up a conversation.  First, I was in Ross (yeah that's right, I buy my home furnishings at Ross) and a sassy middle-aged black woman with a GIANT blonde wig strikes up a conversation with, "You like wall decorations, too?"

We proceeded to share our mutual dislike for bare white walls.  Then she showed me a multi-colored glass bowl that she was considering and asked me if it would look good in her foyer, or if black and white would be better.  Since I haven't been to her home, I wasn't certain what to tell her and, honestly, she seemed a little put out by my indecisivenenss.

After Ross (and PetsMart and Target) I went to Barnes & Noble.  While perusing cookbooks, one of the most masculine lesbians I have ever beheld asked me for advice.  Remember that Will & Grace when Jack infiltrates an ex-gay ministry and two "ex-gay" lesbians chat up Karen? After they walk away she turns to Jack and says, "Honey was that two men or two woman - I couldn't tell?"  That's what I was working with at the BN a few hours ago.

Anywho, I was perusing the culinary section and:

Her: So, you do much cooking?

Me: (startled) Um ... I cook a little.

Her: I have a mango at home and I am trying to figure out what to do with it.

Me: Uh (pause) You don't want to just eat the mango?

Her: Well, I could, but I want to do something with it.  I was thinking it would go with pork?  Maybe like a chutney?

Me: Yeah, pork and fruit goes good together.  I have seen Lobster and mango together, too.

Her: Hm.

That was pretty much it.  Then I walked away cause I was kinda freaked out.  Sure, that was an anticlimactic story, but that's all I've got.  I could probably give you a more riveting story if it weren't for the absolutely MESMERIZING episode of Celebrity Fit Club that is on right now.  Will Jackee Harry's patent brand of humor ever grow old?  I think not.

Jesus H., this chick is cashing in...

I would like to promise that I will never again post about Miss South Carolina, but I am not sure I can do that.....

Here she is again.  Take the quiz (I got 100%!!!)

http://www.people.com/people/quiz/0,,20053640,00.html